1 Cor 2:1-5 Is using your own strength good enough?

^"1 And so it was with me, brothers and sisters. When I came to you, I did not come with eloquence or human wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God.^[a] 2 For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. ³ I came to you in weakness with great fear and trembling. ⁴ My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit’s power, ⁵so that your faith might not rest on human wisdom, but on God’s power."

 Apostle Paul was previously a tent-maker and training to be a Pharisee. He knew a lot about the teachings of the law. I believed he had deep convictions and feel proud about it. However, after becoming a Christian, he realised how his previous convictions were wrong and decide to learn from zero.

He decided to put aside all that he have learned and only held on to what he knew about Jesus and the message of the cross, which is Jesus carried the sins of everyone and was tortured before being crucified on the cross, so that we could have a chance to have a personal relationship with God.

I can imagine Paul used to be really proud of all that he knew, all that he learned. Even as a trainee of being a Pharisee, he probably is respected by many in his community. But after he was humbled by Jesus, he totally changed. He no longer think that he's good enough nor use any of his previous authority or experience.

As Paul wrote the letter to the Corinthians Christians, he said he "came in weakness with great fear and trembling." It sounds like he is really afraid. But the Corinthians are not some monsters. So what is he fearful of? I believed he was fearful of how the Corinthians Christians would react to his message. And he humbly confessed he did not preach with wise and persuasive words but his messages were from God. Purely deep convictions of God that were inspired.

I was asked by my church in Singapore to start a church in Seremban, Malaysia. I was really excited  but I have no idea what it really takes to be a missionary. Coming here, I was fearful but told myself I do not need to be afraid especially I have been a active Christian for more than 10 years serving in different ministries as a leader.

I was so wrong. I'm always relying on my own strength and experience. I was frequently referring to how I used to carry myself, how to speak to people, how to lead back in Singapore. But I found myself crumbling down. Whatever I have learned previously, it doesn't seem to work. It's not that there's problem with the physical skills but the problem was with my heart.

I was not relying on God. I should be relying on God so much more but I choose to be confident of my own strength and experience. But I was humbled so much when things are not going the way it should be, my marriage, the church, my own relationship with God, all messed up. And I just want to go on my knees and pray, begging God to show me how He would use me to deliver his plans.

Now I'm feeling so much more relax and secured because I know I have a close relationship with God. And God is beginning to show me what He can do and I am in awe daily. Praise be to God!